Journey to Self

• You’re tired of feeling overwhelmed by your emotions and out of control in life, BUT you’re not ready to look at the cycles you’ve been living through that have kept life feeling that way. 

• You’re still feeling threatened by confrontation or criticism and feel an expectation for others to change in triggering situations rather than the desire to look further into your own patterns.

• You’re still actively seeking alcohol or other substances to feel relaxed and let everything go in order to avoid moments of overwhelm.

• You’re not yet ready to look at the things that happened in your past that set you on the trajectory of these repeating patterns and coping mechanisms. 

• You’re feeling "sick of everything" in your life, including feeling like a victim or helpless, and you know it’s time to really take a look at your past AND your present, because it’s not an option to keep bringing these cycles into your future. 

• You’ve realized that everything you thought was super important, actually doesn't determine the value of your life at all, and you’re starting to question if you can handle everything at once, with your current level of overwhelm.

• You are starting to wake up to the idea that your childhood actually set the stage for what you’re experiencing now, and you want to look into what happened that caused you to cope with life the way you do. 

• You are starting to feel like you’re going to lose your loved ones because of the constant sense of pushing them away, or them pushing you away, and they may have even started to voice things about you that bring up past hurts and feelings of inadequacy.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew that something wasn’t right in my life. There was always an underlying unease, a sense of un-fulfillment, and restlessness that sometimes grew so deafening to my senses that I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave everything and everyone behind. 

I expressed this energy in the best way I knew how, sometimes coloring my hair, sometimes rearranging my living room and buying decor that was a totally different vibe. A favorite cycle of mine was to grow my hair to waist length, then cut it off above my shoulders (one time I actually shaved my head entirely.. and THAT was quite a humbling experience). 

No matter the outlet, though, this simmering energy tended to build beneath the surface and would often bubble out into severely inconvenient situations. I would lose my cool with one of my kids, or completely blow up at my spouse when they did something that I believed wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration. 

I had a few really deep friendships, ones where we could talk about nearly anything, but they always ended abruptly and not usually on good terms. My metamorphosis phases would result in another transition in my personality, a change or an outright dropping of coping mechanisms, and we no longer resonated as kindred spirits. So I often felt lonely in the integration of my ever-changing inner landscape. 

I guess the most vibrant picture i could paint of my rock bottom, would be the sickening feeling that everything in my life was completely out of alignment and out of control. I would have dozens of plates in the air, trying not to let any of them fall, while also trying to fill roles in various people’s lives and try to simultaneously maintain my own sense of self - whether through prioritizing self care, an exercise routine, morning meditation time, etc. - and inevitably something would happen that would shake my sense of “I’ve got this all under control.”

It didn’t have to be anything big, sometimes it could be as simple as someone pointing out a mistake I made… and it felt like the entire world was starting to crumble in on me around the edges. My heart would quicken, my ears would feel stopped up or like my blood was rushing through them. My face would get hot. My jaw would clench. Typically, headaches would ensue. 

I would then either lose my temper entirely, and say something in a way that I would deeply and critically regret later that night in bed, or I would drop into an instant shame spiral that could leave me crumbled in a heap crying or completely shut down, numb and zombified and unable to feel anything at all. 

This was crippling. 

I honestly can’t imagine what my life would look like, if I had continued on like this. The shut down and the panic was so severe that I believe remaining in that state for too long could actually feel life threatening. My nervous system was primed for a stroke one day, I’m sure. 

Caffeine helped.. in a twisted kind of way. I was so used to operating in a state of pressure and anxiety that anything less felt like dragging my body through mud. I would gulp coffee all day, drink copious amounts of alcohol on the weekend to “let loose and unwind,” and fully embrace the hot mess express identity like it helped me fit in or something. I legit felt that it was a rare mythical experience to feel regulated and at peace, and I surrounded myself with other people who also celebrated or laughed about being constantly on the verge of an emotional breakdown. 

I guess it made the deep loneliness feel a little more bearable. 

It was culture shock at first, to begin my healing work and find other people who felt similar things. It was a big dose of self-accountability right out of the gate, but I’m so glad I listened to that nudge. Looking back, I see that I was a completely different person then. One who really needed self love.

You can book a free call with me here to chat more about your goals and make sure the program will suit your needs. You'll walk away with a few action steps you can take immediately, even if you decide you don't want to work with me, as well as info on any programs or coaches who I think might be able to help you. When you're ready to enroll, it's as easy as submitting your deposit or payment in full, then completing your welcome packet and program agreement.